A mother’s Thoughts…. By Kelly Rivers 24/5/2002

A mother’s thoughts…. By Kelly Rivers 24/5/2002

Looking at the sight of my baby gives me a sense of satisfaction, yet with a tinge of fear. It’s hard to explain what I am feeling right now but it’s really overwhelming. Tears well up in my eyes. I cannot cry though. The old folks say it’s not good to cry during my confinement (postpartum) period, as this will affect my health. According to them, the postpartum period is when the mother is the weakest.

I just can’t help it though. The thought of Bryan being such a fragile little boy, embarking on his life journey, sends sparks of joy and tears. Part of me is so happy to see him finally here in this world, and yet another part of me worries so much for him. He is ever so dependent, so trusting of his mother. And I, being a new mother who is so inexperience in everything; from breastfeeding to nappy changing; want so much to give him the best, yet do not know how. The nine months of preparation has not really equipped me with the skills of being a good mother.

I remember the first time I brought him home from the hospital. He slept for 6 hours straight. I thought nothing of it as the nurses thought me to feed him only when he cries. Little did I know that a jaundice baby would be too lethargic to wake for feeds. Luckily my sister called me soon enough to alert me to wake him for feeds before he goes into hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar level). His jaundice has gone now, after a few days in the morning sun and plenty of fluids. Thank goodness for that as it had me worried sick for a couple of days.

Initially, I was adamant to fully breastfeed him. I didn’t know that it would be such hard work and time-consuming! Furthermore, my baby gets frustrated very fast. The nurses at the hospital say that he is very lazy and would not suck hard at my breast to get his milk. Thus, he prefers to be bottle-fed where he doesn’t have to work so hard for food. So in order to satisfy his appetite, I resorted to pumping my milk out into a bottle for him. This is better for the both of us as it is faster and I know how much I am feeding him. My friends tell me that pumping milk could lead to exhaustion of the milk sooner but I am willing to take my chances. As he needs to be fed every 3 hours, I have alternate with formula milk to satisfy his ever-growing appetite.

Now that my own wound has almost completely healed, I worry about his umbilical cord wound. It’s almost 3 weeks now and it has not detached. Books have advised that it should drop off on it’s own by the first week. Consultations with doctors and friends assured me that it should drop off on it’s own. I can only pray that it would drop off soon so that it would not lead to infection and further complications. Meanwhile, I would have to keep it dry and disinfect it with surgical spirit every time he takes a bath.

Watching him have his bath every morning is a joy. He seems to enjoy playing with water, as he would smile a little whenever we put him into the tub. This month, Bryan would be bathed by the confinement lady (an experienced babysitter hired for a month to take care of the baby and the postpartum mother). According to Chinese believe, the postpartum mother should not touch water too much. Failing to obey this would lead to arthritis or rheumatism for the mother in later years. As such, this task will be taken over by his father later once the confinement period of a month is over. The father has been keeping an eye on how the confinement lady washes his son. My mother-in-law is quite worried though. She has not been caring for babies for a long time now and she’s not sure if she could carry out the task when his son is not around. Ah well, everyone worries for little Bryan but he is still ever so trusting that we could and we would do a good job for him.

All these challenges build character, both for Bryan, his father and myself. His father is currently too busy with his work to worry about all these domestic needs. However, deep inside him, I know he loves his son very much. Every night when he comes home, he would sit by the cot to sing to him even though he is asleep.

Brandon was there when I was in labour and he was there to witness how Bryan was born. He could not explain what he felt when he first set his eyes on Bryan. He was too shock to say anything when he saw Bryan all covered with blood, crying in the hands of the doctor who brought him to this world. I had to jolt him into reality by asking him to snap photographs of his son! He wasn’t allowed to carry his son for the first few days as he was having a very bad flu then. Maybe that has set him back a little, as he must have felt rejected. Even now, he still has the jitters when he carries Bryan. He is worried that his rough hands might hurt Bryan. I just hope that they manage to bond well.

As I write, Bryan is sound asleep in his bassinet beside me. The serenity that surrounds his innocent little face, the tenderness of his tiny chest going up and down with every breath, and the comfort of him being swaddled in a bundle, reminds me that all the sacrifices, and all the hard work is worthwhile. What will become of him later in life? Will he be good, will he be handsome or will he be rich? Well, Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see.